Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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