Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
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