i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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