I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
