I met the friendliest cop last night
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
