they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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