Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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