I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
did i just pee glitter
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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