I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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