Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
