I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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