We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
