I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
