im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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