I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
im drinking this country out of the recession.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
