At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
