Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I think I sprained my soul last night
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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