new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
