So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
