OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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