4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Green mimosas i think yes
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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