Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
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