i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
