Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
