im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
