she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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