I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
