the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
