Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
