when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
