1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
