I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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