dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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