Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
