Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I wish you could order shots online.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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