There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
