my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
The ass gains better be worth it
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