your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
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