you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
