Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
