That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I want her autograph on my taint
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
