I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I deserve this hangover.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
