im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
