Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
