I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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