I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
