I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
