I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
