there was a trapeze. enough said
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
