i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
