I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
