I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
