If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
